An Accessory for the Less Endowed...

Gentlemen, if you clicked here hoping to find a miracle item that would provide the optical illusion of a Tommy Lee 9-incher well I'm sorry to prematurely bust your bitty boner bubble. This is advice of the mammary sort.  

There was a time I had great breasts. They were a small C cup that were youthful, perky, fun and flirty.  Then child bearing and breast-feeding stole the life and joyous soul out of 'em . What was left behind in the wake of the war were sad, southernly facing bags of sand (40 Year Old Virgin movie reference).  Now, barely a B cup my cleavage where at one time my breasts were inseparable best friends always at each other's side,  have now parted like the Red Sea and resemble an ill-fated couple sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.  Days of wearing my nipples as an accessory have come and gone. There is nothing less sexy than seeing someone's nipple staring at their feet.  BUT alas another accessory emerged that I was NOT able to wear before….

I couldn't wear bralettes with bigger breasts.  They would cause nip slips, quadra-boob (this is when there isn't enough fabric to cover your breast so it cuts in to the middle of your boob and appears like two lumps), and they wouldn't offer any support.  Now, bralettes fit fabulously and give my mosquito bites an illusion of a spot of cleavage.  For the occasional night out they make a great accessory to an outfit and add a touch of femininity, sexiness and sass.  Since I can't rock my nipples the little peak of lace gives that flirty je ne sais quois to any date night outfit. My collection is a plethora of styles and shades that I like to add as a pop of color under a top or dress. With my style I prefer the more lacey feminine bralettes but you can find them in a more strappy dominatrix looking style that fellow blogger Jeanie sometimes rocks in her wardrobe (super hot under simple tanks or tees!). What's great about these fun accessories is you can buy them on a bargain so you can shift colors and styles with the season then wash, wear a few times, throw away then replace with another. They are often found reasonably priced at Forever 21, Urban Outfitters, Asos, Amazon, etc.  Check out some of the ways i like to accessorize with my bralettes.

• Bralette- Amazon $7.99
• Blouse- Harlowe & Grahamm

• Bralette-Urban Outfitters $16.99
• T-shirt- Splendid
• Bracelet- The Fabulous Rag Pacific Beach

• Bralette- The Closet $6.99
• Romper- The Closet
• Bracelet- Bullets & Bangles

• Bralette- Forever 21 $12.00
• Tank - Lush
• Bracelet- Chan Luu

• Bralette-Asos $9.00
  
• Romper- Winston White
• Necklace- Nordstrom

-Tuyen

Halloween Haute

It's that time of the year again where I dig through dusty high school dance recital gear and that hidden box of old raunchy ex-boyfriend lingerie where crotchless panties and torn fishnets come in all colors (Hubby, if you're reading this, I've only been with one other person, he was a college sweetheart and these clothes were more for dress up than dress off). Yes, it is HALLOWEEN season! My dilemma with Halloween is the high cost of dressing up when dressing in so little.  I surely don't want to dig too deep into my Chanel fund for a one night only shit show.  Thus I rely on these few things: Creativity, Joanns Fabrics, the back of my closet I haven't cleaned out and MAKEUP!!  

Here are some simple makeup and easy costume ideas to make your Halloween sexy and maybe a little spooky. I promise I won't have what happened to Lindsay Lohan on Mean Girls happen to you.

Geisha

Things you'll need- A robe or kimono in a satin or oriental print. A sexy pair of strappy stilettos. A topknot in your hair with chopsticks.. 

Makeup:

• Ben Nye's Super White Face Powder $6 or Ben Nye Clown White Foundation $9- both are reasonably priced professional makeup products that are easy to apply.  The cream makeup will look like our girl here on the left where the powder applied over your own foundation will have a look similar to the girl on the right.  
• A smoky eye shadow combo.  I highly suggest utilizing Mac's Blacktrack fluidline as an allover lid base with Mac's Carbon eyeshadow to set it on top.  
• A bright matte red lip color.  I personally like Lorac Lipstick in Explore.
• For the look on Geisha girl on the right I highly recommend NYX Extreme Apricot for the pop of red in her eyeshadow. It's a vibrant matte red and it's only $4.50!

Kylie Jenner

Things you'll need- A long haired blue wig, a two piece nude or low cut white dress and a selfie stick.

Makeup- The look is winged eyeliner, with neutral eyeshadow, lots of fake lashes with a lot of mascara, deep contouring of the cheeks and nose, and a LOT of emphasis on the lipliner.  For the contour emphasize the look by strobing with a lighter loose powder below the eyes and cheek bones. And for the exaggerated pout start at the cupids bow of your lips to extend out with a deep colored lipliner like Chestnut from Mac.  Once you get that duck faced outline, blend in to finish the look. 

Kitty Kat

Things you'll need- Love this simple but sexy costume.  Cat ears and a black outfit that makes you purr. Perhaps fishnets and garters? leather leggings? or maybe if you read Jeanie's previous blog some over the knee Highland Hack's?

Makeup:

• Winged cat eye, whiskers and nose- Makeup Forever liquid liner pen gives great precision.
• Lips-NYX no sharpen black pencil as liner and Mac's Viva Glam 1 red for lip color.  

Anastasia Steel, Fifty Shades of Grey

Things you'll need:  This hot number can most likely be dug up in your own freak nasty arsenal.  You might even get your significant other to join in as your Christian Grey but make sure you have a pair of handcuffs! Perhaps wear a black sheer robe, or a silk slip nighty, or maybe just wear a sheet pinned around you.  Then add a strip of black lace over your eyes like a blind fold. ...

Makeup- To give that "I've just been ahem...." look wear a dewy foundation and perhaps add some shine to the cheek bones and bridge of nose with a shine like Benefit's High Beam.  For the lips a soft subtle pink with a thick rich gloss like Mac's Oyster Girl Lipglass

Joan Crawford, Mommy Dearest

Things you'll need: I stole this idea from my dear friend and blog follower "I'm not a Kors, not quite a Birkin." She posted this amazing selfie and it is the balance of creative, freaky, and sexy. You'll need a wire hanger, a fabulous floor length robe, a headband and some big pinned curls!

Makeup:

•  For that Cold Cream mask look- Ben Nye's Clown White Foundation applied precariously and not blended or smoothed.
• A great matte red lipstick with a little depth to give that old Hollywood glamour- I suggest Mac's Viva Glam I.

Zombie Ice Skater

Things you'll need- I had to include one of my favorite costumes I did with my husband a few years back! For this zombie ice skater look I used a white embellished bathing suit then sewed a feather boa around the waist line.  For my hair I found white flower girl accessories to pin on the side and I found the medals at the dollar store. 

Makeup:

For the skull detailing and eyeliner = I suggest Mac's Black Track Fluidline used with Mac's Scene eyeshadow.

For the deep contouring - Mac's Coquette Eyeshadow is a cool toned brown that gives that near death, sunken cheek look.  

Highland Hack

Hello Highland... you beautiful beasts you. I die every time I see my best friend Kate rocking your suede suppleness. But wallet loses his hard-on every time I attempt to go all the way and make you mine.  I suppose it's the practicality of it all.  Will I really get my money's worth with over-the-knee slut boots?  Should I be investing in a statement SEASONAL piece no less??

This has been a year+ struggle.  I've even settled on the conservative Lowland route to dial down the flooze factor and up the wear potential. I've search high (get it?) and low (get it again??) for an alternative and found that nothing compares... noTHING compares, to you... (Sinead gets it).

The best part about these kicks is how form-fitting they are.  They basically become second skin and morph into your lower leg, like, go go gadget Weitzmans. Although there are MILLIONS of over-the-knee options out there, they don't 'X' the boxes. The checklist is short but muy importante. We are looking for: height, material, tie detailing, and MOST importantly fit. Anything less might as well be dirty pirate booties. 

                         YES YES YES YES YES                                                                          Um, NO

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But then one Tuesday the skies parted and the fashion gods smiled down on me. After finally deciding to redeem the 23 DSW coupons that have been weighing down my Celine I made THE discovery of the lunch hour. Allow me to introduce my shameless new pals Unisa Careana Over The Knee Boots. They seriously just can't even give an eff. They live and die by the motto 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.' Not only is the price point VERY different than my lusty Lowlands, but the fit is beyond. I took them for a spin a couple days ago when we experienced a climate dip to 70 degrees and was NOT disappointed.  Fit? Check. Look? Swoon. Comfort level (doesn't really matter, but..)? Done and done.

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I can't promise the real deal might not make their way home to mama in the future (sorry husband). But for now I will focus all my energy on Chanel Boy Bags.

~Jeanie

Made in China

I'm not quite sure the algorithm used for the targeted advertisement that is always popping up on my Facebook thread. But who knew clicking once on the link "The Tea that Kate Middleton drinks for her post-baby bod" would mean that I was perpetually pregnant and in search of every herbal laxative on the market.  So I was in a Facebook black hole; you know the hole i'm talking about, the one where you are clicking from one person to the next and you find yourself so wrapped up in a photo album of some chick you've never met before and have concluded that her boyfriend is cheating on her.  Yes, in that hour i will never gain back, I found myself clicking on a link from her page luring me with the words "Designer styles 42% off".  Peculiar, i thought.  First, the site had a name that was a strange combination of words not relating to designer or fashion, and 42%?? What a very specific discount.  This click unleashed a slew of discount websites bombarding my FB thread.  You might already know the sites: Rosegal, Shein, Sheinside, Zaful, Lovedolly, etc.  The promises of Haute Hippie inspired rompers for $12.47 and Mara Hoffman body-con look-alikes for $8.12 were just too good to be true.  So what's the catch??  I scoured the internet for reviews, insight and legitimacy on these sites. There was little feedback other than these sites were based out of China and delivery was longer than average. So I succumbed when my feed was hit with yet another "Today 28% off your favorite two piece  crop dresses!!"  Dammit facebook algorithms YOU GOT ME! I am a sucker for cheap fashion and dammit I have been debating on whether i can pull off a crop top! So i succumbed and went on a shopping spree....TWICE.  Here are my reviews and insights on two of these fast fashion websites.

 

Pros-There is always a sale at Shein.com, Discounts are offered at different amounts everyday and the items are priced so low you can really fill your bag and not break the bank.  

Cons- They mislead you by saying "Spend $100 and receive 20% off!" when most items are not eligible for these sales.  However it's no big deal if you end up paying full price for your $10 maxi dress.  I ended up paying full price for all 7 of my items which added up to a whopping $98 dollars.

Pros- There is a multitude of fashion options that you can browse for hours.  The catalog imagery is a mixed bag of nuts but they offer product reviews from actual customers and an option to share images of yourself wearing your purchase.  Super helpful in getting an idea of the quality and real life look of these items. 

Cons- The big issue is the return policy, you basically can't return ANYTHING.  The only exception is if there is a flaw or it was inaccurately describe and even then they don't make it easy. You are require to take photos, and show measurements for them to analyze your reasons for return and then after much deliberation you still have to pay to ship returns back for review. God forbid you decide the corset D&G knock off you got for $7.63 was just not your taste. You unfortunately have to keep it.

Conclusion-Shipping, although it took longer than a domestic purchase (10-12 business days), was communicated from the beginning and arrived in two separate packages based on availability within the time promised. Quality was similar to Forever 21 but a fraction of Forever 21 prices if that is even possible.  Also styles were unique enough that no one would know where you purchased them and if paired with a pair of Jimmy Choo's and a Saint Laurent clutch no one would have to know you spent $19.83 on your dress. Of the 7 items only 2 were a bust.  Overall not too bad of an experience! Check out some of my purchases...

Zaful.com is a very similar style of website as Shein.com with the abundance of items and a great user reviews system that allows you to see "real people" wearing the clothes and their reviews of the quality and service.  It also has the same difficult return policy, therefore you know that whatever you purchase you have to be willing to part with the money no matter what.  

Pros- Trendy interface with a touch more stylish options than Shein.com with comparable prices.

Cons- Zaful rhymes with Awful.  Doesn't quite roll off the tongue like Neiman Marcus.

Pros- You can pay through PayPal which means your credit card is protected from any potential fraud.

Cons- Shipping can potentially split into two completely different orders. They don't share what is on backorder even if you have ordered it and instead they  just continue to notify you that the item will be two more weeks....and two more weeks... and two more weeks...

Conclusion- Zaful's website and items had a more stylish on trend feel than Shein. I purchased a dress that was essentiially a Free People dress (tags and all) for under $20 that I LOVE.  However of the 4 items I ordered I only received 2 and was promised the remaining 2 eight weeks after the initial order. The feedback process was slow, and cancelling the order was a week long process.  Although i did receive my money back, the hassle for a $32 spend was just not worth it.  

Here are the items i received...

-Tuyen

Black Card

Here's a scenario all-too-common in my world as a WCW, and it all starts with an itch. Not the kind that inspires uncomfortable Vagisil commercials, but the "my-closet-feels-uninspired-and-I-need-a-fourth-Cafe-la-Rue-weekend-happy-hour-option" itch.  But there's still smoke coming out of my wallet (and husband's ears) from last week's "having-a-skinny-day-and-would-rather-shop-than-eat" lunch break.  Thanks to my (TJX Rewards) Black Card I don't have to white-knuckle through this shopping compulsion.  Instead, I'll get off on the thrill of the hunt, and maybe discover a Dolma leather jacket currently being sold on Revolve for twice the price (TRUE STORY btw).  Talk about a big fat cherry on that supple leather sundae.  Which brings me to...

Five execution strategies when never paying full price for fabulous:

1.  Do NOT go when you're short on time.  Unless I want to trigger a panic attack and end up reaching for that emergency Xanax in my Celine, I only go when I can truly dedicate myself to the hunt.

                                                                             Doma Leather Moto Jacket - Retail $700 - Scored for $300

2.  Do NOT go there looking for something specific.  The "I want a chic sleeveless dress, above the knee, not to clingy, size 2, pastel color pallet need not apply" mentality won't get you anywhere here.  The true payoff comes when you float from the shoe section to contemporary to activewear and let your inhibitions go.

                                                                          rag & bone/jean Skinny Legging - Retail $185 - Scored for $40

3.  Remember the rule of the 'first find.'  If you discover something that you think you kinda like but could also live without it- GRAB IT.  I've found that once I break the seal and have something in my arms it's like Quimby's law of attraction- more treasures start jumping off the racks.

                                                                                Rails Hunter Button Down - Retail $135 - Scored for $59

4.  CLEARANCE. RACK.  This area often gets overlooked because, well, aren't those the pick-over loser reject threads?  Erroneous.  This rack is the holy grail and make sure you show respect and comb through carefully or you might miss that James Perse staple white tank for $7 bucks.  

                                                                    Husdon Signature Bootcut Jeans - Retail $200 - Scored for $50

5. Zip code.  These places aren't going to stay in business if they can't appeal to their neighboring demographic, so it's not brain surgery as to why the inventory at the 92037 Marshalls makes the inventory at 92115 look like Cheap Hooker-Mart.  

                                                                  Diane von Furstenberg Knit Wrap Dress - Retail $400 - Scored for $59

Got any retail discount meccas of your own?  Please share!!!

~Jeanie

So we're starting a blog....

Here we go....